Week Six -Conflict!!-

Regarded to conflict, I feel there are two voices that exist within my heart--one voice which calls me to confront the issue and speak honestly to that person, and the other voice which tells me to just keep my mouth shut so I do not have to waste much energy. Every time I confront a problem, these two voices fight over the other, and depending on which one wins, I decide which action to take.

To be honest, I hadn't had much good experience having a conflict in the past.. Every time I involved in some kind of conflicts, I always became nervous and irritated, and sometimes that issue lingered in my heart that I even regretted for having spoken my honest feelings. Since I have experienced quite a lot of "bitter feelings" with conflicts,  I have become more hesitant confronting directly with the issues--every time I think about confronting the issue directly, I hear the voice "once you start, you can't go back". I actually didn't know why I couldn't deal with conflict in a better way--until recently.

Before talking about the discovery, I want to thank Ken for teaching us about conflict in class as it was the exact issue which I have always felt I needed to work on. After participating in conflict lessons, I think I came to realize what I had been doing wrong, as there were so many things I wasn't doing that were on the UMBRELLA Approach.

Recently, I had a little conflict with one person. Just about 3 weeks ago we had a talk and there we sort of confronted each other in the conversation, in which both of us could not find a way out. No matter how much I tried to make that person understand me, that person didn't seem to understand--and by seeing that I got more upset, and I became really emotional with my talking. Looking back, I was doing all the things that I was NOT supposed to be doing according to the UMBRELLA approach--I was emotional, could not manage my own feelings, and I responded with harsh pitch--but the biggest mistake I made was the "U" part, which says

     U=Understand. Make an attempt to understand as well as to be understood.

This was the exact part which I failed to do. Instead of making an attempt to understand that person, all I did was to say my opinion--and didn't really accept what that person was saying. When I read the handout in class, I suddenly realized that I had been doing all wrong--it was though as if I had been in a long dream and suddenly somebody had just pinched me. That moment, I really regretted how I had responded to that person during the conversation, and I realized how I had been the speaker for the most of the time--which meant that I was dominating the talk while leaving that person to just listen to understand.
Another quote that hit my heart is:

    "Listen more; talk less."

Having experienced a bitter conflict, now I truly feel the importance of the quote. I cannot help thinking whether the outcome had been different if I could manage the UMBRELLA Approach. Our relationship didn't completely break, but now we are in uncomfortable state, and I feel this is all because of the conflict which I could not manage well. I realized that the problem I had with conflict was not that fact that I confronted the problem, but rather, HOW I confronted.

So what changes can I make to deal with conflict more productively and in small doses?
I think one way is to listen to the other person, and the other is to keep the emotions under control as much as possible. Being emotional is not a good thing during conflicts, as it can take rationality away from one and makes him/her say things that he/she did not mean to. I think letting the anger out in small doses is a good way to avoid big conflicts, but it may be hard if the relationship between a person is not so concrete. One way to do this may be to keep honesty, and let them know right away when they do something that does not suit one's will. Either way, there are still much works to do, and if there will be a next chance, I want to at least keep my words to "listen more and talk less"!