Regarded to conflict, I feel there are two voices that exist within my heart--one voice which calls me to confront the issue and speak honestly to that person, and the other voice which tells me to just keep my mouth shut so I do not have to waste much energy. Every time I confront a problem, these two voices fight over the other, and depending on which one wins, I decide which action to take.
To be honest, I hadn't had much good experience having a conflict in the past.. Every time I involved in some kind of conflicts, I always became nervous and irritated, and sometimes that issue lingered in my heart that I even regretted for having spoken my honest feelings. Since I have experienced quite a lot of "bitter feelings" with conflicts, I have become more hesitant confronting directly with the issues--every time I think about confronting the issue directly, I hear the voice "once you start, you can't go back". I actually didn't know why I couldn't deal with conflict in a better way--until recently.
Before talking about the discovery, I want to thank Ken for teaching us about conflict in class as it was the exact issue which I have always felt I needed to work on. After participating in conflict lessons, I think I came to realize what I had been doing wrong, as there were so many things I wasn't doing that were on the UMBRELLA Approach.
Recently, I had a little conflict with one person. Just about 3 weeks ago we had a talk and there we sort of confronted each other in the conversation, in which both of us could not find a way out. No matter how much I tried to make that person understand me, that person didn't seem to understand--and by seeing that I got more upset, and I became really emotional with my talking. Looking back, I was doing all the things that I was NOT supposed to be doing according to the UMBRELLA approach--I was emotional, could not manage my own feelings, and I responded with harsh pitch--but the biggest mistake I made was the "U" part, which says
U=Understand. Make an attempt to understand as well as to be understood.
This was the exact part which I failed to do. Instead of making an attempt to understand that person, all I did was to say my opinion--and didn't really accept what that person was saying. When I read the handout in class, I suddenly realized that I had been doing all wrong--it was though as if I had been in a long dream and suddenly somebody had just pinched me. That moment, I really regretted how I had responded to that person during the conversation, and I realized how I had been the speaker for the most of the time--which meant that I was dominating the talk while leaving that person to just listen to understand.
Another quote that hit my heart is:
"Listen more; talk less."
Having experienced a bitter conflict, now I truly feel the importance of the quote. I cannot help thinking whether the outcome had been different if I could manage the UMBRELLA Approach. Our relationship didn't completely break, but now we are in uncomfortable state, and I feel this is all because of the conflict which I could not manage well. I realized that the problem I had with conflict was not that fact that I confronted the problem, but rather, HOW I confronted.
So what changes can I make to deal with conflict more productively and in small doses?
I think one way is to listen to the other person, and the other is to keep the emotions under control as much as possible. Being emotional is not a good thing during conflicts, as it can take rationality away from one and makes him/her say things that he/she did not mean to. I think letting the anger out in small doses is a good way to avoid big conflicts, but it may be hard if the relationship between a person is not so concrete. One way to do this may be to keep honesty, and let them know right away when they do something that does not suit one's will. Either way, there are still much works to do, and if there will be a next chance, I want to at least keep my words to "listen more and talk less"!
Monday, May 23, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Week Five -Team Work!-
There were many opportunities for me to experience the difficulties and also the true importance of teamwork. For this blog, I would like to share the most recent experience I had in ICU University.
I belong to the ICU Debating Society club, and this year I became one of the leading members of the debating society. There are seven members including me who are responsible for running the club, including the top leader who is the most responsible for any decisions that are made within the core members.
To be honest, I used to hate the meeting that we had every month or so. Every time I joined the meeting, I always felt that I was a worthless being, as I was barely given the chance to speak up. The discussion was often dominated by 2 or 3 members, who were either really aggressive or in the higher position than I was, known as "senpai". The atmosphere of that meeting was so tense and serious that I felt really overwhelmed that I simply could not say a word. Probably the reasons are that these "senpai"- who often spoke in oppressive manner - always tried to take control over the discussion. Also, there was one specific guy who was in the same year as I was, but was so aggressive that any opinion (which opposed to his) that I said was simply stomped over by his strong criticism. For a long time, I could not do anything but simply listen and pretend that I agreed--which was often quite painful and made me really regret for joining the core member team.
To say the conclusion first, the situation did improve a little compare to before. Although it is not yet perfect, I feel more comfortable talking during the meeting, and I think the biggest reason may be the trust that I succeeded in forming between me and the top leader of the club, who we call bucho-san. Bucho-san, though a nice guy he was, simply did not realize that I was having such an uncomfortable time speaking in the meeting. When there were not much connection nor trust between me and the Bucho-san, every time he asked whether I was happy with the decision or not, I always lied to him that I was happy with the way the meeting went despite the fact that I was not. But I was afraid to say so, as I did not trust him very much at the time, and I feared that if I tell him the truth, I may be criticized behind my back.
I don't remember how exactly we succeeded in building trust, but I guess it was his effort into talking me and showing his concern for my feelings which won my trust at last. Although at first I often faked a smile and lied to him about my true feelings, he made an effort to find out my true feelings by talking to me personally, calling on the phone after the meeting, and so forth. His sincere and calm attitude also made me feel secured, as I could see that he was really trying hard to satisfy all the members as much as possible. As the time passed and my trust grew larger and larger, I started to be more honest and told him about how I felt uncomfortable during the meeting--I even told him that I was uncomfortable of one specific guy who always turned down any opinions that were against his.
I also started to feel more comfortable as I succeeded in building good relationship with other members. Although I have not succeeded in building a good relationship with all of them, knowing that some members will support me, I feel more secured and comfortable telling my honest feeling to other members. Also, one of the core members became a really good friend of mine, in which we came to share our true feelings to each other about the meeting. It turned out that I was not the only one who was feeling uncomfortable and stress about the meeting, but she was also feeling the same way, in which she also felt hesitation in speaking in front of the other members. We came to make a promise that every time that specific guy try to stomp over either of our opinions, the other will support the other--that way, we both became confident as we knew we are not alone in the meeting.
I think building trust with the most powerful person in the club and having a strong supporter on my back really gave me courage to speak up in the meeting. In that way, I have learned through the experience that building trust is really necessary in order to have a good teamwork. Although the problem of hierarchy still remain, I am more comfortable speaking now than before, as I have good trust in the Bucho-san who is the most powerful man in the club. Therefore, I'd like to say that building trust and good relationship is essential in conducting good team work, and for that I want to thank Bucho-san for making a lot of effort in gaining my trust.
I belong to the ICU Debating Society club, and this year I became one of the leading members of the debating society. There are seven members including me who are responsible for running the club, including the top leader who is the most responsible for any decisions that are made within the core members.
To be honest, I used to hate the meeting that we had every month or so. Every time I joined the meeting, I always felt that I was a worthless being, as I was barely given the chance to speak up. The discussion was often dominated by 2 or 3 members, who were either really aggressive or in the higher position than I was, known as "senpai". The atmosphere of that meeting was so tense and serious that I felt really overwhelmed that I simply could not say a word. Probably the reasons are that these "senpai"- who often spoke in oppressive manner - always tried to take control over the discussion. Also, there was one specific guy who was in the same year as I was, but was so aggressive that any opinion (which opposed to his) that I said was simply stomped over by his strong criticism. For a long time, I could not do anything but simply listen and pretend that I agreed--which was often quite painful and made me really regret for joining the core member team.
To say the conclusion first, the situation did improve a little compare to before. Although it is not yet perfect, I feel more comfortable talking during the meeting, and I think the biggest reason may be the trust that I succeeded in forming between me and the top leader of the club, who we call bucho-san. Bucho-san, though a nice guy he was, simply did not realize that I was having such an uncomfortable time speaking in the meeting. When there were not much connection nor trust between me and the Bucho-san, every time he asked whether I was happy with the decision or not, I always lied to him that I was happy with the way the meeting went despite the fact that I was not. But I was afraid to say so, as I did not trust him very much at the time, and I feared that if I tell him the truth, I may be criticized behind my back.
I don't remember how exactly we succeeded in building trust, but I guess it was his effort into talking me and showing his concern for my feelings which won my trust at last. Although at first I often faked a smile and lied to him about my true feelings, he made an effort to find out my true feelings by talking to me personally, calling on the phone after the meeting, and so forth. His sincere and calm attitude also made me feel secured, as I could see that he was really trying hard to satisfy all the members as much as possible. As the time passed and my trust grew larger and larger, I started to be more honest and told him about how I felt uncomfortable during the meeting--I even told him that I was uncomfortable of one specific guy who always turned down any opinions that were against his.
I also started to feel more comfortable as I succeeded in building good relationship with other members. Although I have not succeeded in building a good relationship with all of them, knowing that some members will support me, I feel more secured and comfortable telling my honest feeling to other members. Also, one of the core members became a really good friend of mine, in which we came to share our true feelings to each other about the meeting. It turned out that I was not the only one who was feeling uncomfortable and stress about the meeting, but she was also feeling the same way, in which she also felt hesitation in speaking in front of the other members. We came to make a promise that every time that specific guy try to stomp over either of our opinions, the other will support the other--that way, we both became confident as we knew we are not alone in the meeting.
I think building trust with the most powerful person in the club and having a strong supporter on my back really gave me courage to speak up in the meeting. In that way, I have learned through the experience that building trust is really necessary in order to have a good teamwork. Although the problem of hierarchy still remain, I am more comfortable speaking now than before, as I have good trust in the Bucho-san who is the most powerful man in the club. Therefore, I'd like to say that building trust and good relationship is essential in conducting good team work, and for that I want to thank Bucho-san for making a lot of effort in gaining my trust.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Week Four Assignment -STAMINA-
I think for most of the time I do take care of myself fairly well. Just like Ken, I eat well, sleep well, and also do the daily exercise which is to jog around the ICU campus for 30 minutes. I usually sleep between 10 o clock to 11 o clock, and wake up between 6 to 7 o clock as I know this is the best sleeping time for me to keep myself at best condition.
For the others, I do try my best to care for my family. For example, during the golden three days, I returned home and cleaned up the whole house by wiping the floor and furniture which were coated with dust. I also washed the dishes after the lunch and dinner and set up breakfast for mother, father and my sister. Since my mother is the one who is doing most of the house works during the school days, I try my best to help my mother as much as possible during the weekends when I can return home. When my friends ask for my support, I try to make a time to listen to their troubles, as I know they will do the same for me when I need their help. I think this is a "give-and-take" relations in which we depend on one another in times of need.
It's sort of embarrassing to share this to the class, but I am most likely to get this "summit fever" when I am in love. As soon as I fall in love, I became so into the person that I cannot really think anything else. This is sometimes really problematic because even though I want to write an essay, since that person keeps popping up in my head, it takes twice as much time to finish up the assignment compare to the time I write the paper with my head clear. Also, there are times when this "invisible hand" pushes me to take a stupid action, which I often regret later on. Looking back, I knew I should have never said that / done that, but at that time, I just could not control myself. I think this is because this "summit fever" is taking away my rationality, my consciousness, to think clearly and choose the right action. I actually don't know how I can solve this, but recently I have found that I can stay calm when I have something else to do. That is, if I don't have anything else to do, I spend forever thinking about it which takes me to nowhere, but if I have something else to do, my thoughts can stay away from love at least during that time. I also try to make the limit to my thoughts--for example, I tell myself that I should not think about anything else until I finish this assignment, and then after I finish the work, I tell myself that now I can drown into the unlimited pool of thoughts and imagination. However, this is also easier said than done, and I am wondering if there is any way I can avoid "summit fever".
For the others, I do try my best to care for my family. For example, during the golden three days, I returned home and cleaned up the whole house by wiping the floor and furniture which were coated with dust. I also washed the dishes after the lunch and dinner and set up breakfast for mother, father and my sister. Since my mother is the one who is doing most of the house works during the school days, I try my best to help my mother as much as possible during the weekends when I can return home. When my friends ask for my support, I try to make a time to listen to their troubles, as I know they will do the same for me when I need their help. I think this is a "give-and-take" relations in which we depend on one another in times of need.
It's sort of embarrassing to share this to the class, but I am most likely to get this "summit fever" when I am in love. As soon as I fall in love, I became so into the person that I cannot really think anything else. This is sometimes really problematic because even though I want to write an essay, since that person keeps popping up in my head, it takes twice as much time to finish up the assignment compare to the time I write the paper with my head clear. Also, there are times when this "invisible hand" pushes me to take a stupid action, which I often regret later on. Looking back, I knew I should have never said that / done that, but at that time, I just could not control myself. I think this is because this "summit fever" is taking away my rationality, my consciousness, to think clearly and choose the right action. I actually don't know how I can solve this, but recently I have found that I can stay calm when I have something else to do. That is, if I don't have anything else to do, I spend forever thinking about it which takes me to nowhere, but if I have something else to do, my thoughts can stay away from love at least during that time. I also try to make the limit to my thoughts--for example, I tell myself that I should not think about anything else until I finish this assignment, and then after I finish the work, I tell myself that now I can drown into the unlimited pool of thoughts and imagination. However, this is also easier said than done, and I am wondering if there is any way I can avoid "summit fever".
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